Monday , June 17 2024

A Merry Festivus and a Happy Christmas to Y’all!

Hello All from Amarillo, Texas! A city famous for nothing that I am aware of besides a marvelous song by “King” (as he is called in Texas) George Strait, Amarillo by Morning. I am here because I got snowbound on my trip west for Christmas (yes, every blue moon snow comes here) and I thought, why not make the best of it and write a festive blog in the spirit of all three Christmases and Frank Costanza?

A Festivus for the Rest of Us- Airing of Grievances. 

In case you don’t know, Festivus is a holiday that comes from the great American sitcom, Seinfeld. Festivus is an anti-Christmas holiday founded by one of the fathers of the main characters, Frank Costanza. Festivus is held every December 23rd. In celebrating Festivus, you have an aluminum pole instead of a Christmas Tree and “feats of strength” and “airing of grievances” instead of Christmas carols. So, in the spirit of Festivus, I will air my grievances, and in the spirit of 2013, against the “Big 6”. (Watch it here to understand the holiday).

I got a lot of problems with you people and by “you” I mean Barack Obama, Ed Miliband, Russel Brand, Leonardo DiCaprio, Al Gore and yes, even you, Pope Francis. Let’s begin.

Barrack Obama– You disappointed me with another horrible year as President. You rolled out your non-functioning healthcare website during a fake government shutdown you orchestrated and you did this without once losing your fake pious “against the man” image. I mean for God’s sake man, you’ve been President for for over 5 years, when are you going to stop attacking your political enemies for being big meanies when YOU have all the power. Maybe the reason workforce participation is at a 35 year low (instead of all time high employment like the UK’s) and the national debt an all time high (nearly doubled under his administration) is because you don’t have the slightest clue about economics. Maybe insurance premiums are going up and plans are getting cancelled because YOU pushed through a horrible law that forced people onto expensive private health insurance. Also, there the NSA thing. I mean really. You are spying on everybody to the likes of Angela Merkel. Not that I really care for Angela Merkel, but I mean how is this a taxpayer or diplomatic benefit? And then, not only are you employing the “let’s spy on Tiny Tim and his Grandma” plan for National Security, your people don’t have enough internal security awareness not to let this information get stolen by a high school dropout contractor in Hawaii. Oh & then this Snowden guy then sells this national security information to the Western civilisation hating Guardian and takes asylum in the arms of the Vladmir Putin, (the man, you remember, who embarrassed you with his New York Times article when you were about to invade Syria, you know you remember that little war you wanted to take us on. I mean you executed that little thing flawlessly).

But you know Barrack, I’m sure you are a nice guy in person, we both fill out march madness brackets! You just maybe should have never done the whole President thing. I mean next thing you feel like being the least participating, less than one term member, of the US Senate, you’ll know President isn’t the best career choice. But hey, in fairness you are a good speaker and seem like a good father and husband. (Well, husband as long as there aren’t any Blonde Danes around that is).

Ed Miliband– You disappointed me this year Ed, although I had pretty low expectations to begin with. First of all, the “prize freeze” on energy prices. Really Ed do you have to go that low to pretend like you can magically control energy prices (like Britain’s energy prices are set in a nationalistic vacuum) and then cheesily freeze an energy bill in a block of ice! Who is your PR person! It’s clearly not Alistair Campbell. Look Ed, I understand your father was a Marxist, (despite what you said in your crocodile tears protest against the Daily Mail) and that your shadow Chancellor literally turned red when Osborne made him look like a complete fool by showing him Conservative economic policies work, but do you really have to (pretend most likely) bring ugly failed 1970s socialism back to our political discourse? That crap belong with Karl Marx and David Cameron’s past life installing solar panels. (Besides, after your little poll bump after promising magical energy butterfly kisses your right back neck and neck with the Conservatives again in the polls. And the election is still a year and a half off and the economy is getting rapidly better). A tear for Red Ed.

On the positive side Millipede, Ed Balls makes you look sensible. And nobody knows who your estranged brother and ex-political rival is in New York. And who knows, maybe your best friend Nigel Farage will deliver you enough votes to become Prime Minister in 2015.

Russell Brand– You disappointed me Russell with your political rantings. You want a socialist egalitarian system? How about you started redistributing that $15 million of yours. Baby steps Russell, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Although in fairness to Russell he is hilarious, especially in Forgetting Sarah Marshall so maybe it was all a joke. After all, he said he doesn’t vote.

Leonardo Di Caprio– You disappointed me Leonardo with thinking playing a convicted Wall Street con man in a movie makes you an expert on the evils of capitalism. I mean you make Russell Brand look like the poor slob he pretends to be, with your hefty net worth of $200 million. Leonardo, pretending to be someone who the law convicted does not prove that you know that the whole system is corrupt and skewed and oppressive. It just means you played an acting role, and in fairness to you, probably well. I can’t think of a bad acting job by Leonardo Di Caprio actually, he was amazing as Gatsby, in the Ocean’s movies, in the Departed, and not even that bad in the bad movie Titanic. But please Leo, stick to acting.

Al Gore- Al you always disappoint me, but in fairness you’ve stayed out of the news, besides selling your unwatched Current TV station to Al-Jazeera for the nice price tag of $70 million. I mean your doing well, you and Leo both having over $200 million of that filthy, capitalist, iceberg melting money. And you are giving back, saving the environment by telling us to cut back while well, you’ve won your nobel prize (like the man you prophesied for, eating carbon neutral locus and honey in the desert, Barack) so you need to feel comfortable in your houses, so why not rack up a $30,000 energy bill? I mean you are the one who correctly told us that polar ice caps would be melted by now with your conventionally profitable documentary. Oops! The ice caps actually expanded! Follow Dave’s lead, it’s never too late to cut the green crap!

Pope Francis– In fairness, I think the Pope so far has been wonderful. I am a Catholic and believe his emphasis on returning to the roots of Christianity of serving the less fortunate. He is a very inspiring man. But really Pope Francis when you say (among other quotes attacking capitalism): “the promise was that when the glass was full, it would overflow, benefiting the poor. But what happens instead, is that when the glass is full, it magically gets bigger- nothing ever comes out for the poor” are you being a honest? Name me an institution that has lifted more people out of poverty. Communism or Socialism? How did the Soviet Union or any of the eastern bloc nations turn out? How about Cuba, North Korea or to be current, Venezuela? And for a lighter version of socialism, how’s his home country of Argentina run by the socalist Fernandez de Kirchner fairing? How about National Socialism aka Fascism? Did Hitler and Mousalleni and Franco lift the masses out of poverty? What about the junta who ruled Argentina in the 1970s and invaded the Falklands in 1982? Did they lift Argentina out of poverty? How about old fashioned absolute monarchy of many Catholic monarchs past? Philip II, Charles, Louis XIV, what did they do to lift the poor out of poverty? The answer to all these questions is it has been the free market, capitalism, that has been the only avenue in human history to give people freedom and empowerment to shape their own lives.

It is because of freedom and capitalism, that comes from the rebel shopkeeper’s island nation of Great Britain that the majority of the world’s 7 billion souls no longer live in absolute destitution and are able to feed themselves without the handout of Christian charity or governmental handouts. The Pope is obviously spiritually brilliant, but in economics he could take a moment to learn about the invisible hand.

Happy Christmas!

With the airing of grievances out of the way, I would just like to say how thankful I am for The Telegraph, for all you people who read and have commented on my blog this year, and for all the tremendous opportunities that have come my way because of this blog this year. I have been given the opportunity to write in Conservative Home and have been published other places in the UK political media since I started this blog and that has truly blown me away. I never in my wildest dreams expected anything to come of it. All of you were so kind to discuss British politics with an American looking for someone to talk to them with, and though many of us have disagreed (especially about UKIP) I have enjoyed every moment of this blog’s experience.

Have a wonderful (Happy or Merry) Christmas!



About Ted Yarbrough

Ted is the co-founder and editor of the Daily Globe. He is a long-time blogger on British politics and has written a thesis on Thatcherism.

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