Monday , July 22 2024

Three hundred and fourteen years of hurt

One lion on oor flag

We’re still getting steamin

Three hunner years of hurt

Didna stop us scheming

It’s comin hame,

It’s comin hame.

It’s comin.

Fitba’s comin hame.


The English think that they invented football, but it’s not true. Everyone knows that it was invented in Aberdeenshire.

It happened in a wee place called Crichie when a group of drunk [steamin’] farmhands started to misuse a haggis in a game with no rules. Suddenly someone decided to kick the haggis and it rolled between two trees. At that moment the laird seeing that his workers were wasting time in a very un-Aberdonian way asked them what had happened to their ball. The scorer replied “Fit ba?” [what ball?] because he knew that kicking balls was illegal in Scotland at that time as indeed it still is. They had gotten round the prohibition against kicking balls, by kicking a haggis instead and for the next centuries it was only permitted to kick haggises in Scotland, for which reason some scholars have perceived Scotland’s lack of success at football.

But the name of the Scotland’s national game had been invented. Only it was stolen by the English who didn’t understand the meaning of “Fit ba” and thought it actually meant “foot ball.”

The birthplace of fitba has been unjustly neglected. It got its name from the farmhands crying out loud “Crikey, we’ve invented fitba”. They then decided to copyright the game and to allow only Scots to play it. For this reason, Scotland were unjustly deprived of our lawful victory over England because England shouldn’t have been playing fitba at all, nor for that matter should anyone else. Only Scots are allowed to play fitba and because we should be playing with ourselves, we should by right be both European champions and indeed World Cup winners at every World Cup since it began.

When we sang about winning the world cup in 1978, we were right. We did indeed win it, because we were the only team that was in all justice allowed to play. Scotland was the greatest football team, and still is for that matter.

It is most galling to hear those England fans singing about football coming home, when it is our home, they are singing about. Whoever wrote that damn song clearly plagiarised it, because the original was written by a Scot as can be seen by the Scots language used in it. And what about our hurt. It’s all very well singing about not having won the world cup for thirty years, now 55 years and long may that continue, but we’ve had three hundred and eighteen years of hurt and oppression and English domination and the theft of our games.

That Raheem Sterling isn’t even English so he shouldn’t be allowed to play, let alone to score. He is obviously Scottish, where else could he have got his surname from than Stirling where William Wallace defeated the English in 1297. He just needs some help with his spelling.

Anyway, England shouldn’t even be taking part in the European Championship. They voted to leave Europe when they voted for Brexit. Scotland of course remained European and virtuous because we voted to Remain. So obviously England should be immediately disqualified and Germany reinstated.

And another thing. That Sweet Caroline song that they are all singing is really a Scottish song. It was originally about Bonnie Prince Charlie, but because of Scotland’s ideals about equality we allowed it to be sung about women too. But we don’t allow anyone else to sing it and especially not English people. That Neil Diamond needs to pay Scotland royalties.

But just you wait. Our three hundred years of hurt is coming to an end. When we are independent, we will win every game of fitba, because we will resolve to play our game with no one but ourselves so we can hardly fail to win. Let the English and everyone else play football, we will play fitba and if we can’t beat ourselves even when we are playing with ourselves, we’ll take our haggis home.

This post was originally published by the author on her personal blog:

About Effie Deans

Effie Deans is a pro UK blogger. She spent many years living in Russia and the Soviet Union, but came home to Scotland so as to enjoy living in a multi-party democracy! When not occupied with Scottish politics she writes fiction and thinks about theology, philosophy and Russian literature.

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